Zeherille Chawal

Let’s get this straight, I am a terrible cook and I have no shame in accepting that, the only eatables I can prepare are Tea, Coffee, maggi, Egg Sandwich and Ice cream Shake (which is my USP because I make one hell of tasty milk shake), if any Top Worst Cook list exist in this universe than I might be in top 5.

Just Like singing everyone believes that their cooking is excellent; I also had this notion in my mind when I was in college. I had to shift to an apartment in 3rd year with my friends because we flunked so many classes during 2nd year that college decided not to give us hostel anymore, there was this lameass rule of our college that if your class attendance is less than 75% throughout the year you won’t get college accommodation, mine was below 50%, in fact our (me and my friends) combined class attendance percentage wasn’t enough to add up to 75%.

We were new in the area so we were searching for a cook compulsorily female and all we were getting were guys  so we had to settle for dhaba food for 10 days before getting one, oh Yeah We were big time Tharkis. So after having enough of dhaba food, I decided to prepare Fried rice for my friends for lunch, what I Called fried rice later became popular as Zeherille Chawal (Poisonous Rice). Why?  Well we’ll get to that.

Recipe for Fried Rice is very simple; all you need is a bowl of Boiled rice, Chopped onion, tomato, Turmeric, salt, chili powder. You know the usual stuff but if you are a visionary cook (Read-Moron) like me than you can add other stuff like I did. While preparing I noticed that there was a bag of chips, peanuts, aloo bhujia and other stuff in kitchen so I decided to add all of that, and since I was already high with this notion that I am bloody good cook and whatever I’ll prepare will taste good to my friends so I went one step further and went All Italian on those fried rice by adding tons of tomato sauce. My dish was ready; I decorated it with coriander leaves and served them by adding some more aloo bhujia on it. My friends gave me a weird look after seeing my Fried rice, the same look you get when you see a 60 year old hooker with layers of make up on her wrinkled face and a tobacco stained smile brightening her ugliness.

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“Googled Poisonous Rice, this is what popped up in top result & it kinda remind me of my recipe”

Out of 6, only JD finished his plate, not because he is my best friend or any other emotional shit but he can digest anything, he was a monster when it comes to eating and not that I wasn’t a monster myself  but even I couldn’t finish those zeherille chawal. Vikas and Shrey  consumed only  10% of their fried rice, had to take eno in evening, I was forced to take an oath infront of fire that I will not put on apron even if some magical being grant me a power that world peace can be achieved if I cook for a day for my friends. And Kids that’s the story of “Why everyone is afraid of my Cooking”.

This is Prakhar Gupta & Have a Nice day by staying away from my fried rice.

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What is Wrong with Ads

Picture yourself applying a brand new deo which you are using for the first time in your life. Its fragrance is intoxicating and you are already feeling good inside. Now three situations might develop in your brain.

1. Hot women in large group or also called jawntourage running after you in their tinniest and most revealing clothes, trying to jump on you and hump you down or angels falling from heaven because your Smell is super awesome.
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2. You see a girl offering a piece of cake to her boyfriend but you intervene and eat the cake from that afore mentioned girl’s hand and she gets physically attracted to you because you smell classy and hot at the same time. Because that’s how girls should behave, like a whore. Real Mature Guys.

3. Absolutely nothing will happen, May be someone in your office might notice it and may be pass a remark on your new Deodorant. But the chances of that someone being a girl are 50% because that someone might be that Gay dude who flirts with guys in your office all the time or may be one of your junior butt licks you by telling how awesome you smell today.

Chances of Situation 3 are most likely to happen because Situation 1 Is AXE Chocolate Deo Ad while Situation 2 is Set Wet Deo Ad. And trust me situation 1 and 2 won’t happen any soon, may be in the next 200-300 years when may be by any chance you are the only male left in this whole world surrounded by hot females all around you THEN it is slightly possible that they might run after you but that chasing won’t be for your Deo or something, You lucky bastard.

Ok Scenario number two, Picture yourself drinking a cool soda drink to quench your thirst in a hot summer afternoon. It’s cold enough to relieve you instantly from all the heat around you. Now three situations might develop.

You are standing on a cliff, all your friends are already in water, provoking you to make the jump but you are too afraid because you haven’t drink your Stupid ass Soda but once it’s down your throat, you have all the courage in the world to make the jump. (Side note- May be Government should distribute this particular Soda to Defense personals and fire fighters)
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2. You and your friends are late for something(they never mentioned “Something” in Ads) and you have to cross the entire city, what do you do, You make a phone call saying sorry that you will be late or you book a taxi and ask him to press the accelerator harder. No because that’s what Sissy people or normal people would do but since you have your AWESOME drink in your hand, you gulp it down and you start jumping roof tops like a monkey and slide down from pipe lines like a freaking Mario.
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Or

You and your friends decided to go for sky diving but since you have already sold your brain on eBay, you dive from the plane while sitting on sofa sipping your AWESOME drink and your sofa is having parachute, (whoever wrote this ad must be having serious Mental issues, because even while making a mockery of it, I am feeling like a moron)
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Or

2. You and your friends went to a store to buy yourself a cold drink but the stock of your beloved drink hasn’t arrived and the truck carrying the stock is stuck in a traffic jam, so you hire a Helicopter, jump on the truck standing on the road, tie it to the helicopter by cables and bring it to store so that you can lay your hands on your drink and you finally did something “toofani” except for the fact that you just invested thousands of rupees just to buy a can of soda which you could have got from the next store or was it the only store on the whole damn earth, is your soda so worthless that only one store in the whole world sell it?
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3. You will feel good, a cold sensation will remain in your body for 2 minutes and that’s it, nothing special will happen.

Chances on Situation 3 are again very likely to happen, because you are drinking a plain good old fashioned soda and not some Steroid. People doing Daring activities like Sky diving or Mountaineering never write in their logs that they had a big glass of a soda for Courage or power. And the last time I remember someone getting courage and physical strength from some beverage or eatable item was Popeye and it was to encourage kids to start eating green vegetables esp. spinach and it was a cartoon however far better than these stupid ads.

This is Prakhar Gupta. Have a nice day and be safe from these stupid yet effective marketing tactics.

How we are killing our Nation

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You know what irony is, when the same person who complains about pathetic bus conditions beat the living shit out of the buses in previous riots. That’s what irony is. What is happening during this “Bharat Bandh” Can’t be labelled as peaceful protest or even protest. Protest is when you fight for your own rights but not with your fellow countrymen because that’s what rioting is.Yes, you should ask for a pay hike, yes our government is indifferent towards us,you want an increment so that you can put food on the table for your family but at what cost, by harassing women on road, by burning private and public vehicles, by damaging private properties.

I work in Noida Sector-81, phase 2. Central hub for Mechanical and labour based industries in Noida. My company is an MNC, our government provided extra security not to us but to the foreign delegates so nothing happened outside my company because of extra force but what about our Indian companies or the small scales industries, when i was returning from work, i saw the havoc created by the mob, Private vehicles burnt to ashes, Building’s ransacked,broken windows but the mob didn’t stopped there, they started looting pedestrians, after all this chaos and an estimated loss of 26000 Cr, you expect government to hand over you your hike.
Bang up job you morons.
When your father is indifferent towards you, neglects you or keep you in pain, do you burn down your own house?
Just because some lame asshole stood up with a mike in his hand, you will follow him like a herd of sheep. and i am not talking only about labour class, even highly educated government employees are demanding a hike and with all their rallies and hate speeches, simple minded labour class is getting agitated.
What people did for “Nirbhaya” at India Gate was a Protest, What Anna Hazare did at Ram Lila Maidan was a Protest, but this So called Bharat Bandh is Simply Killing your own Nation.

Tale of Two Dogs

Everyone is posting pictures of their cats and dogs on 9Gag or facebook lately. I won’t do that or rather say I can’t do that since I don’t have any of them currently but what I have is much better than pics. I had two dogs when I was a kid, not at the same time but at a different interval. One was a horny bastard like Barney Stinson from How I met your mother and another one was a retard with a heart of gold just like Tom hanks in Forrest Gump. This is not a story with a sad ending but it’s a collection of their memories imprinted on my mind.

My First Pet

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Name- Ceaser

Breed- German shepherd

Total Time spent with me- 3 to 4 months

Ceaser was handed to me by my uncle on my 9th birthday. My sister named him Ceaser after a great king but I used to think his name was Scissor, you know, like a cutting tool and therefore I used to give him papers and clothes to tear them so that he can sharpen his teeth and later protect my family from thieves and invaders. I was a stupid kid. Ceaser was only 2 months old when I noticed that he had a thing for a neighborhood bitch Julie. Julie was a 3-4 years old white Pomeranian bitch and I don’t blame him, I mean who doesn’t dig white chicks, be it a dog or a men, everyone loves them. Julie too approved their love, they had this weird habit of sniffing the hell out of each other’s butts, first Ceaser would sniff her butt then Julie used to sniff his then again Ceaser sniff her butts and finally Ceaser would pee where Julie used to sit and all of this sniffing used to happen in front of me when I used to took him for a walk. This sniffing and peeing had a huge impact on my under developed brain which made me pee in front of the house of a girl I had crush back then, she never made her move. Told you I was a dumb kid.

Julie was a trained dog, she knew her way back home but Ceaser was a functional moron who used to follow Julie like a loyal puppy, on the second thought he was a puppy though a horny one.

I always used to put a leash on him; you know the comfortable nylon one which doesn’t hurt puppy’s neck but Ceaser being a 4 month German shepherd was way too powerful for something so soft, it was 13th Feb. Love was in the air, I guess Ceaser figured this out when I was trying to seduce my crush using his tactics of pee. I wasn’t at home and no one was keeping an eye on him, Ceaser took the advantage of this opportunity and relieved himself from the leash and made a dash for the love of his life, Julie. Two Crazy in love dogs, hiding and protecting their love from the evil eyes of the world went on to do what dogs does best, they started chasing cars.

He went missing and was last seen 5 hours ago with Julie but she was back already, from what I heard from my father, Ceaser was kidnapped or worst, dead. I hulked out after hearing this and started throwing stones at that selfish old bitch because of whom my friend Ceaser lost his life, Julie barked at me like a maniac which scare the hell out of me, made my shorts wet and the hulk inside of me went away like a scared dog with tail between his legs.

Many years later I saw many Cross breed puppies of a German shepherd and a street dog, so I guess my boy did well, found some local bitch and raised a little family. Way to go buddy.

My Second Pet

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Name- Billo

Breed- Unknown, also popularly known as Desi kutte.

Total Time spent with me- 4 to 5 years

No one gave me Billo, he was a street dog whom I found when he was few months old in a park hiding from other street dogs, and he looked sick, pale and weak to me. I scare the dogs away with pebbles and stones lying on the ground and gave billo few biscuits to eat which he finished in seconds, after this it was obvious to me that he would follow me home. I was probably 10-11 years old and a childhood version of Forrest Gump, my brain was still installing basic softwares like “why not to dig nose in public” or “how not to get scared easily” or “how to try your best to show that you aren’t as dumb as you look” and I was still a dumb kid so I bought him home in style, I carried him in my arms just like Shahrukh khan carried Preeti zinta in Veer Zaara. My Mother freaked out after seeing me carrying a street dog, which in my mother’s view is equivalent of carrying a pig. Both are same in terms of filth on their body, she later explained this to me.(funny side story- I once pulled a piglet from its tail in front of my mother, she didn’t touched me for a week)

Billo was a coward dog, or let’s say he was kind of a shy dog in front of monkeys or cats or strangers or even dogs (Don’t want to hurt his spirit’s sentiments), he never used to bark on strangers, he would sniff them then would go to sleep although he used to bark at me a lot because being a stupid kid I used to spray water from water cannon on him during holi.

All those childhood games I used to play with him eventually lost their charm as I grew up, I got busy in my own life with a fully functional brain finally. Now when I look back to memorize my childhood I realize that you can have the best fun of your life only when you ignore your brain no matter how stupid you look. For me there was a whole new world in front of me but for billo I was his whole world. He died when I was 15 years old, it was 2 days after diwali, he ate something poisonous, we did our best to save him, even called a doctor but we failed, he was buried near our home and I cried that day.

Love your Canine, they don’t get much life span and you may have different priorities but for him you are priority Numero Uno.

This is Prakhar Gupta.Have a nice day.

Not a typical Love story

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My eyes were getting heavy, although I dried them out last night but still few teardrops were rolling down my cheeks. I stopped paying attention to my surrounding; I fixed my gaze on her and all that matter to me was her hand holding me tightly. I wasn’t ready for this sudden departure, she promised me last night that she will never leave me alone and will always be there for me but I just couldn’t believe her now. She is here to bid her goodbyes and still making me promises that she will come back for me in couple of hours. May be I should believe her and wait for few hours to check whether she is lying or not but on the second thought I think I should just hold her tightly and never let her go.

“It’s time to go”, she said.

Although she was trying her best to hide her emotions but I could sense that her voice was also getting fragile. She almost choked before speaking up again, till now she was determined to leave me but my sobbing made her weak.

“Look, I promised you last night, didn’t I? I will come back for you”.

She caressed my hair; she does that whenever she tries to console me. We sat there on a bench for few more minutes, an eerie silence engulfed me. We were interrupted by a Gentleman in White clothes.

“Ma’am I am afraid but we have to go, time is running by and even you don’t want him to get late, do you?”

She only nodded in her response; I guess she was even more traumatized at my departure than I was. The gentleman in formals took my hand and pulled me from the bench, I reluctantly got up from my position but she pulled me towards her, hugged me and planted a kiss on my forehead. She tried hard but couldn’t stop her tears, she looked away from me may be trying to give me emotional strength by making herself look tough and strong but she failed.

The gentleman in White gave us few more minutes, maybe he has already seen such kind of emotional breakdowns.

She wiped my tears and promised me that she will come back for me, this time she was determined and asked the gentleman in White to take me with him, I also didn’t made a fuss this time and followed him quietly.

She was my mother who waited outside operation theatre while The Gentleman in white (Dr. Gill of Agra) performed tonsil and nostril infection surgery on me when I was 8 years old.

Not every love story starts with a guy meeting a girl. Sometimes you don’t need to tell a person how much you love them, your action speaks for you.

This is Prakhar Gupta.Have a nice day.

 

4 Types of Uncle-Aunty we meet during Diwali Vacation

According to our elders, and beliefs, we celebrate Diwali as a victory of good over evil, return of Shri Ram, and to please & invite Goddess Lakshmi to visit our house and stay there forever, but it’s more like luring her and kidnapping her against her will but that’s ok, Gods are cool with kidnapping and all. But time has changed over the years, Diwali is not only a festival of light, but it is a means to detach us from our boring, monotonous, 9 to 5 life; it is a time for family reunions (although if you are working in an IT company you might abuse me because I know you didn’t get a day off even on Diwali but let’s just skip that for the sake of this article.)

And in those family reunions and Diwali parties, you meet various characters and the most unique of them are the Uncles and the Aunties, you know, the one whose kid is almost of your age, and they have always seen you as their kid’s competitor.

There are 4 types of uncle-aunty you will meet during your Diwali vacation. (This is solely based on my observation, in your case the number may vary, feel free to discuss them).

 Show off Uncle-Aunty

Beta tumne kis college se engineering ki hai?”

“Aunty maine UPTU k college se B.Tech ki hai.”

“UPTU??? (After making weird sympathy face), chalo koi nahi, meri Behan ka ladka toh IIT mein hai, IIT.”

You can easily identify these kind of uncles and aunties in parties, they laugh very loudly, talk very loudly and in some cases, insult you very loudly. They only talk about how their sons got into the best college of India (although they won’t tell you the amount they spent on donations) or how their daughters are going to the US on work visa, they even flaunt about their new pug.

You know, humne abhi abhi who vodapone wala puppy liya hai.”

 Sympathy Uncle-Aunty

They sympathize with you; doesn’t matter if you are sad or not, their only job is to make you feel bad about what you are or what you have.

Tumhara office 8:30 se suru hota hai, so Sad.”

“Kya, tumhari salary itni kam hai, so sad.”

“Tum class mein second aaye, first bhi aa sakte the, so sad.”

You can easily identify them, they always wear frowny faces. They will always complain or whine about their problems no matter if they are in a party or in a funeral, and somehow they end up sympathizing with you, and make you feel bad for your miserable life even if it’s not.

Needy Uncle-Aunty

Beta tumhe Samsung k discount coupons milte hain, hai na?”

“Ji Uncle.”

“Mujhe 4 mobile ke coupons do.”

“Uncle main 4 nhi de skta, 4 nhi milte hain sirf 1 milta hai per year.”

“Beta yeh tumhari galat baat hai, mujhe laga tha ki tum dilwa paoge, par rehne do tum ab.”

“Hain!!!!!!!!!”

This is just an example of how in the end they will prove that it’s your mistake that they won’t be able to buy mobile this Diwali or how you failed them to get a job for their kids even though you arranged for an interview for them. They are the worst type, first they will praise you, and if, by any chance, you failed them then they will thrash you on ground with their harsh words and you will get all the blames even if it’s not your fault.

How do you identify them you ask? Well, you can’t, they are invisible, and they will attack you when you least expected them.

Last but not the least, Parents

Yes, you heard me; our parents fill the last spot of this classification. Sure they are not uncle aunty for us but they are for other kids, and they also behave like one of the above for other kids, and to make matter worse for you, they are in fact, the combination of all the three types mentioned above.

They will Show you off in front of others like some kind of prized possession, bragging about your job or education.

They will sympathize with you when you are alone for your job or education because they know the truth.

And although our parents never ask anything in return from us but one day they will come to you with following needs.

“I want you to focus on studies.”

“Graduation is over but I want you to go for higher studies.”

“I want you to opt for a good job.”

“I want you to be serious in life.”

“Although you are 24 but I want you to get married.”

So yes, our parents are the combination of all three categories. But don’t worry; you will also have your revenge once you are turned into an uncle or aunty, you can also make a kid feel miserable.Ain’t that going to be fun????

No matter how much angry you get with these nagging questions but you will always love all of them because that’s the best part of Diwali, it brings families and friends together.

This is Prakhar Gupta.Have a Nice day and if you don’t know how to make your day good, go make some kid feel miserable. This is actually fun.

 

 

I am not watching Fear Files ever again

Last Night, My friend Nitendra (D2) and I were just done watching Sunil Dutt starring Padosan on TV when he suggested that we should watch a new horror show called Fear Files which is claimed to be based on real stories. I being a horror fan thought that this one won’t be different from other horror shows running on TV with loud make up, extra heavy dose of overacting and nothing but a clichéd story of ghost taking revenge or something. But I was wrong.

We missed the initial 15 minutes of the show but the story was simple enough to pick up from where we started watching it. A south Indian Girl was narrating her story. She lost her mother at an early age and her father was wooed by a sexy yet cunning looking ghost of a girl, her father didn’t know that their new neighbor who is openly flirting with him is a ghost, so after a brief period of flirting and awkward human-ghost romance, her father decided to marry that ghost and I won’t blame him, she was hot.

Her father marrying a ghost, ghost having opposite legs, her teeth and eyes turning red whenever she is alone, dog barking at that ghost, I mean all of this has been exploited by Horror directors for ages and there is nothing new, everything was a cliché. I started to consider it like just another repetitive ghost show with nothing new. But I was wrong.

Then comes the scene which terrified me, the girl who was narrating the story was in her bathroom standing while facing a mirror; suddenly a figure appeared right before her eyes out of thin air. It was an old lady wearing white sari (Cliché) but what was not usual was her disfigured face, her white eye staring right at you, piercing your soul and vanishes right before girl’s eyes. That wasn’t the usual scary ghost that was almost real and vivid. That was enough for me to change the channel.

D2 had to leave for Noida early in the morning so he decided to spend the night at our friend’s place in Noida, he was getting ready and so was I, and I wasn’t in the state to stay behind alone. I was not able to shake that image of old lady out of my mind. I knew that I’ll be the center of ghost jokes for my friends but I just couldn’t spend the night alone.

Sunny and Arpit had a good laugh when I reached their place and I don’t blame them for it, even I would have done the same and it’s not that this was not the first horror show I saw. I have been through Zee Horror show, X Zone, Aahat, Supernatural, The exorcist, the ring, Shutter, Raaj, Ramsey brother’s films like Purana mandir and others ( they were scary when we were kids but funny later on) and tons of others movies and serials but never felt the chill like I had while watching that scene.

I really don’t know what happened, I don’t know why I acted like a chicken and ran away, May be sometimes things like these bring back old horrifying memories which got cover up by time only to be re-discovered by images like these. I am not a coward but last night I just couldn’t gather up the courage to stay alone because I knew that I will see that image in my dream and I was correct because those eyes were the only things that pop up in my dream last night.

I am so not watching Fear Files Ever again.