(Obviously you know all this but still) Let me give you a complete idea on how Arrange marriages are carried out in India especially in my cast, by the way I am Baniya also known as Vaishya (Not prostitute, but yeah if you throw money at a Baniya, he might dance for you a bit but no touching. Touching will cost more). So each caste has a different set of rules in arrange marriage, so in short, arranges marriages are same yet different.
Prerequisite of arrange marriage (Baniya Style)
- Girl has to be insanely fair, no matter how ugly or fat or dumb the guy is, did I mention ugly?
- Kundlis must match, everything depend on kundli, your immediate future, your distant future, your kids future, you kid’s kids future, the girl’s future your kid is going to bang in college. EVERYTHING. Your kundli will create a strong ripple in the space time continuum that will change the course of history forever. (Sarcastic, if you are a moron)
- Dowry(Educated people label it as “Necessary Gifts”)
So the main question is “How to avoid arrange marriage for as long as you can?”
- Act like an idiot in front of the girl’s parents. No matter how insanely rich you are, no parent in this world would give their daughter to an idiot. No wait, they do, baniyas get married all the time
- Tell them that you are Reincarnation of freedom fighter Bhagat singh and Azadi is your Dulhan.
- After completing graduation, apply for post graduation, after post graduation, apply for PhD. After PhD, apply for double post graduation (I just made that up, you got the point). Good luck finding a girl to match with that much qualification or AGE, because you will be almost 40 by then.
- Adopt street dogs, change your name to “Doga” and run around in streets at night with dogs. Tell girl’s parents that you are not the hero this city needs but the hero this city deserves.
- Grow a beard and not some puny looking beard, majestic beard of at least 2 months. Name one of your street dogs “Sparta”. Introduce your dog to girl’s parents just like Gerard Butler shouted in 300. THIS IS SPARTA.
- Talk about Drainage system and toilets used during Indus Valley Civilization. (True story, this actually happened with me. The weirdest conversation I’ve ever had with a grown up)
- Casually talk about your past love affairs, tell any Shahrukh Khan Movie’s story if you never had any affair. Just avoid telling that you stayed in jail for 22 years for Zara or Simran got run over by a train when you were stretching your hands for her from train compartment.
- Gargle every time you sip water or cold drink in front of girl’s parents. Spit out some of the liquid from your mouth from time to time.
- Tell them that you will legally change the girl’s name to Catwoman. If they ask why, get up dramatically from your seat, walk as slow as possible like a badass you are and whisper in their ears. “CAUSE I AM BATMAN”.
- Stop day dreaming, you just can’t avoid the inevitable. Just pray to the old Gods and the new that the kundli matching will take time and you will have enough time to live your life before getting screwed.
This is Prakhar Gupta. Stay safe. Stay single.