There comes a phase in your life when you don’t like anything, you don’t feel like doing anything, all the perks, joy, happiness seems to vanish for you. All you care at the end of the day is a good and comfortable sleep but you wake up in the middle of the night just to realize that the vicious cycle you are currently oscillating is not going to stop after this night. You will again have to wake up early in the morning against your will, drag yourself to do your business, you have given up daily shaving a long time ago and are on the verge of becoming Chewbacca of Star Wars, amount of water and time you consume for taking bath is still questionable and humanly impossible, you put on the formal clothes even if you hate them, switch on your “Formal Smile Mode” on your face and start your regular journey for your office and this is when you realize that you have been doing the exact same thing for over an year, following the exact same routine, travelling the exact same path, you have also started recognizing familiar strangers on road who are also doing the exact same thing. You ask yourself one question, one big question that matters the most in your life yet you don’t even know the answer “WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?”
Upon reaching office you realize that all that question-answer round you were playing with yourself made you reach office late, again. You avoid direct eye contact with your boss; try to grab hold of your seat as fast as you can, and hid under the walls of your cubicle. The cubicle and the stuff lying all over it, the files, official parts you were analyzing, the office stationary, keep reminding you that you are in the ninth Circle of hell, the one which is most painful and frightening. Everyone is haunted by their demons (Metaphorical), demons of past failures, bad relationships, parental expectations but mine, I guess is this Cubicle, it often shows itself in my dreams, this small space made up of wood and glass is by far the most dreadful place I have ever been.
Although physically you are in your office but you are still in midst of your dreams, your eyes are wide awake but your mind and body still craving for bed and this is when you decide to get up from your seat for the first time. You swiftly made your way towards coffee vending machine or more like coffee-that-tastes-like-dirt vending machine and sprint your way back to your seat to hide in your cave (Cubicle) from carnivorous predators you call BOSS. You feel extremely lucky and happy as if you have won some kind of gold medal for “Fetching the Coffee” contest but what you thought was wrong, your boss saw you running scared, I guess carnivorous animals can sense fear, he calls out your name and without any options you have to leave your safe hideout to go to his Cave (Cubicle).
The rules of real jungles are far better than this concrete jungle. In real jungle big carnivorous animals hunt down timid & weak animals any where they want; their cave or yours doesn’t matter and it’s not that a deer willingly decide to go for a stroll in lion’s den but in this concrete jungle you have no choice, as soon as your boss calls out your name, you have to reach his Cave (Cubicle).
You forged a fake smile on your face, he did it too. You tried to be as polite and humble as you can be, well he did it too. He start asking you about some work which he assigned you, although the work is finished and you completed it on time but since it’s breakfast time, he is gonna eat you any way, he starts asking random questions about that work and you start your defense mechanism by replying all those questions but there will come a point where your old rusty shield won’t be able to take all that high tech. lasers he kept throwing at you. You give up and he can sense that. There is a wicked playful smile on his face, he knows that you have given up, your defenses are down and you won’t resist any more while he knock your brain out and start eating you alive (Metaphorically).Though you can’t read his mind but his smile clearly suggest that he is humming a song “Teri Keh ke Lunga” from the Movie Gangs of Wassyepur. While all this was happening my mind was asking one question, that one big question that matters the most “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?” but I still don’t know the answer.
After that the entire day pretty much followed the same old routine, did some work, read few articles & blogs, went for lunch, played FIFA and Call of duty: Modern warfare 3 during lunch hour (these two games and few really good friends I met here are the only reason that I survived this office till now).It’s not that I hate routine, in fact I hate Changes, I hate changes so much that whenever I change my toothbrush I feel pity for ditching the older one for a brand new toothbrush, this is how much insane I am about hating change but this is not a sharp routine I am following over here this is monotonous, a tedious sameness in everything I do, this is not what I expected from engineering, this is not what I signed up for.
Time’s up. I again start my journey back to home; again my mind is racing ahead of me.
May be my Boss and colleagues are right; we are here to work not to read & write blogs and play video games. May be I am acting like a little girl weeping for a broken doll, people do much more work and in way more harsh conditions than me. May be I am wrong, I am the problem .May be Kabir was right “Bura Jo Dekhan Main Chala, Bura Naa Milya Koye Jo Munn Khoja Apnaa, To Mujhse Bura Naa Koye”. May be I am at the wrong place. May be I am incapable to harness my dreams and follow the right path. May be I am so confused that even I don’t know who I really want to be. May be I should stop thinking so much; I’ll have brain hemorrhage one day.
With these thoughts boggling my mind I reached home, did the old routine business and before going to sleep I ask one question, one big question that matters the most “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?” but I guess I’ll never know the answer.
This is Prakhar Gupta. Have a nice day. With weekend coming, hopefully I’ll have one too.
P.S. – I am not sadistic, suicidal or hate everyone but this is my way of releasing all the anger trapped inside of me in the form of dark humor. “What the hell is dark humor”, you asked. Well google it like you always do for everything.